i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
