Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
