my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
