My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
