It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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