Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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