I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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