Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
