I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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