There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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