I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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