i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
