he told me I talked like a deaf person
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
