Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
did i just pee glitter
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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