Ketchup is God's man juice
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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