i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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