the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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