That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
