how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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