I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize