he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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