Just fell off a train. Bad.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
