hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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