My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize