The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
