i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize
