....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
