I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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