Your mouth is God's brothel.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
