peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
