Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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