how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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