I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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