Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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