i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
