how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
