So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
