Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
