Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
