oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
