I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
