she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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