i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
