i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just gargled with NyQuil
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
