Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
