you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
