I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
