was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
only you would photoshop your dick
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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