Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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