if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
