she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
