I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
