I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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