i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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