Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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