Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
