Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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