College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
