I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
