Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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